So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
