pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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