I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
