Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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