Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I could make wine with my vomit
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
