Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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