Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
