his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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