And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
