Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
