How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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