I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
