the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
