We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
