If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
