1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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