just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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