I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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