meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
