I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
