I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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