Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
