In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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