I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
