All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
