Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
