OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
