My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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