I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
