My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
