I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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