i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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