If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
