You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
