There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
