allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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