a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
