I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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