I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
last night I used snow as a chaser
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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