Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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