it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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