u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
