i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
