you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
