my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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