i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
