the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
