I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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