Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
