Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
