yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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