Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
